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A breath from the breathing

Memories like bullets they fire at me from a gun

11/22/09 05:56 pm - So I changed my plans, I rented a camera and a van

Listening to Pandora and what randomly pops up on my Jack's Mannequin station? Postal Service, Clark Gable. Of all the songs.

"The marker snapped and I yelled quiet on the set and then called action..."

I'm re reading Angels and Demons because I saw it sitting around at my mom's and was rather disappointed in the movie, so wanted to try the book out again. The producers cut out almost the entire first half of the book. Did a decent job with it otherwise, but there was almsot as much missing from it as there was from Goblet of Fire.

I'm hanging out at my mom's right now, thought I'd do an actual post. Still working on the story, though.

All American Rejects on now, "Move Along." I think I shall actually. I work tomorrow at 7am.. close Tues, then work all damn day Wednesday. But I'm getting more hours this week, may even get some overtime, had to stay late yesterday. But then it's Thanksgiving! I think it'll be cool. Move along is ending. Gonna get off of here before another song comes on I have to listen to.
Current Music: Pandora

11/20/09 07:11 pm - Story continued 1

I'm Blake, and I don't like writing in third person. I never got used to the idea that a narrator could be in everyone's head at once. Or maybe I'm just no good at it. It makes no sense, really. How real are your characters when you're able to know everything about all of them? Who knows everyone's motivations and hopes? You'll know all about me, but that's it. Sorry.
I'm sitting at this bar, alone, at a table off to the side because I needed to get out of the house. There’s too much distraction there. I know, like a bar isn't distracting, but it really isn't to me. There's nothing to do here, and I don't feel like talking to strangers. Anything I'd want to do here, I'd have to pay for, and the fifty cent beers are costing me enough. I'm waiting for a friend to pick me up. Probably going to crash at her place, on her floor or something, and then she'll take me to get my car in the morning. Yes, my best friend is a girl, Amanda. If I ever get married, she'll be my best..woman? Best maid? Anyway. I can't drive right now, on beer eight, and I've been buying in twos. They are fifty cents, after all, but only for ten more minutes. I should capitalize. Not feeling it anymore, though, the drinking. I’m having trouble getting this drink down. Regret is a bittering agent, flavors everything.

So I’m writing this. A little to you, maybe, but mostly for me. Perhaps I’m fictionalizing a little. The tables are emptying and I’m sitting outside now, on the patio, where we talked for the first time. You said, “So..”
I asked your name. You said Emily. I introduced myself as Blake. We shook hands, looking each other in the eye. Your eyes were wide open, amazingly so, curious and light brown. I think I must have narrowed mine, not wanting to look away from yours but feeling embarrassed for staring. You squinted at me, mocking me, and I thought you looked like you were squeezing out a fart. I laughed. And you laughed. The lilt of your laugh fascinated me. You laughed with your whole face, with your whole body. I’m wishing now I’d caught you on film sometime, that we’d maybe dated during a time when video was common on cell phones. Then I could see you. I’m playing it in my head right now, my stare empty over the black patio tables and chairs. It’s almost as good as video.

11/19/09 12:24 am - new story, beginning...

This is where we met. Years ago, yes, and the bar has gone through many names since then, but this was where we met. It's been in the back of my head, everytime I've come, but with beer six, tonight, it slaps me in the face. This is where we met.
It was eight years ago. It's been five since we broke up. I was here with friends, unlike now, and I was pretty content with life, unlike now. I was newly 21, you were just 19. You'd come in with friends as well, I saw you, I remember, standing uncertain by the door. I saw you mouth, "I don't know.." and tilt your head to your left side. Your friends pulled you into the room and you stood behind them at the crowded bar. The place didn't card. It appealed to me, for some reason, that you didn't feel comfortable there. I sat among three guys, and we were having fun, laughing and reminiscing about high school and stupid stuff we'd done and wanted to do. I wasn't feeling the guy thing that night, and I watched you for a bit. You'd laugh, stop quickly, glance around. Your suspicion of the guys that were hitting on your friends was funny to me. I just remember standing suddenly, mumbling something to my friends about getting more beer. I waved off their requests and approached you.
"So, I kind of hate it here," I said.
You looked at me, expression of disdain at the ready, but not yet deployed.
"Why are you here then?"
"I don't know," I said. We stood there for a moment, and I shrugged. "Here with friends," and I pointed to them. John gave me a thumbs up, and Carl shook his head. You shook yours too, slowly, head down, half grinning. I asked if you wanted to go out on the patio. You looked up, glanced at your friends, and said, warily, "Yes..."

11/14/09 09:39 am - Sit and spill my guts out to the open air

I work in about a half hour... but I'm much closer to work now, so I can waste a bit more time. Went out to kareoke last night, wasn't as much fun as the week before. Everyone was singing these slow ballady type songs and none of us were really feeling it. Called it an early night and geeked out, played Final Fantasy for awhile before I passed out holding the controller. Woke up to some slight Mallrats deja vu, but I didn't leave the game paused all night, just turned it off.

Someone sent my mom an email with a bunch of LOLcats pictures in it, and she asked me where they got them from. I directed her to Icanhascheezburger.com and could hear her laughing for the next half hour before she gave up and went to bed.

The tag next to my name on the schedule today says "drinks." Guess I'm serving drinks at this employee appreciation thing they're having. I'm off tomorrow, though, I'm so psyched!
Current Music: Green Day- 1,039 Smoothed out slappy hours

11/11/09 10:31 am - Here you go ma'am, ah damnit

I did something moronic Monday. I posted about how I was working a short shift, and I didn't have to work in the cash office. I still managed to do something stupid. I handed a lady back her check after processing it, so I was short the check. Not quite sure how I did it, except  for the check and receipt come out near each other and I use the same motion to pull them out of the printer. Luckily, she called in and brought it in. Think I'm still off cash for awhile. Stupid-ass mistake. We were at Greenwise til a little after midnight because they needed help putting out stock. Hanging out with my mom today 'cause I'm off.

Current Music: SoCo-Cavanaugh Park

11/11/09 02:20 am - Still up

Not sure why. Despite the earlier poem, the night holds nothing for me, yet I cannot sleep just yet. Waiting for some epiphany? Maybe? Blow the heads off more zombies. I'll satisfy myself with that for now
Current Music: Nine Days- Absolutely/If I am

11/10/09 10:59 am - Untitled

I wake to cars and light of morn, alone and sweating, shaking off dreams
That meant I don't know what to me
I move myself into the day, unsure, unsteady, almost dreading leaving this place of peace and comfort
I clung to throughout the night
only because the darkness beckoned and I denied it out of fright
and the light wears me, and I bear it as the burden all creatures do
I'll work until the waning when the shading graces dew
Creatures of this world know better than me
The day lays still and the night roams free

 

11/9/09 04:03 pm

I'm at my mom's place right now, printing up stuff on substitute teaching and browsing acebook and typing on here. The online stuff for the Hillsborough County School board is disabled until tomorrow, so I can't see if my application is still active on there, I'll have to call.

My booklist is going well, reading Clockwork Orange right now, and I should be able to do 50 by the year's end, provided I don't let myself get sidetracked with the Potter's, or re-read Ender's Game, again.

My mom just gave Figs catnip. He's rolling around and scratching this thing she got for him, which is a flat scratching pad with a rubber arch over it that he can fit under. It's got nubbins that he can rub against, too, he seems to love it.

Did I mentioned Figs has sabreteeth? Most cats have normal canines, but Figs' canines are exceptionally long and curve out of his mouth. Mom's vet reclassified him from domestic shorthair to mixed breed. The cat is a bit of a beast.

I work today, five to nine, probably on the line, bagging. Yay for no responsibility! I opened the cash office both Saturday and Sunday at 7am. Just now caught up on some sleep. Now it's time to catch up on some eats.

11/8/09 12:56 am - I practiced all my lines through the telephone while you were sleeping

I work  at 7 tomorrow/this morning, but don't feel like sleeping just yet. At my mom's place, drinking some beer. I'll keep this brief because I type loud.

The night is still, here, but I still feel the vibrations and the current of the outside world around this computer station. The couch I have to sleep on that's too small and hangs my feet off and euclid and dale mabry traffic on to destinations yet unreached, and all the roads they're traveling and all of mine unraveling and weaving round bends that i can't see into a future i'm dimly aware of but not sure how to reach.

11/2/09 10:04 am - and I remember how we shrank time together

It's a crisper fall day today, a cold front coming in from God knows where. I'd know where too, if I bothered to look at the weather channel's website, but I'm not feeling maps right now. I'm watching football that I recorded on the DVR and I work today at 1pm. It's an odd shift, 1-630, but i think it'll be good. Maybe will stay a bit longer, if they need me to, monday nights are typically busy nights.

I think Fall and winter are when I most feel...  I don't know. I just feel. The chilly weather sends me back to Carnivals of years past, sitting on the ferris wheel or the tilt a whirl and that breeze cutting through the ride. I remember being at Linda's house, on that porch, even with those shades drawn we had to bundle up. Or sitting out on the trampoline. We spent a night out there once, a bunch of blankets and a bunch of bodies on a surface that wasn't meant to hold in heat but did. Would whimsical be the word? I guess not, because it's not fancy, it simply was.
Current Music: Ataris- So Long Astoria

11/1/09 10:53 am - Finding ways to break the silence, and to quench our taste for violence

Semi-lazy Sunday. I go in at three today, and I close. Watching that 70's Show right now to delete some stuff off the DVR queue so the football games I recorded will have room. As well as the Dark Knight and the Shining. Halloween was fun last night.. We went to Foster's party for awhile, Anna and her crew and Dave and Susan went. Joanna and I couldn't drink because we were on antibiotics, so we left to hit up some bars aruond town to see if there were any costume parties. We went to one where people were dressed up, and I definitely had the best costume, but the prize was a 20 dollar bar tab. And I can't drink for a few days. Grr. We ended up cruising Soho, driving around and then just coming home. I had fun though, and got some cool pictures that I posted on Facebook.

I think the Joker is like Tyler Durden. They have the same aims, the destabilization of society, chaos. In comparing the two, I think it brings to light that Durden actually has a fairly rigid moral compass. He has a set of ideals he runs off of, and the Joker has none. Durden isn't a killer, he's about shedding one's identity. The Joker creates his identity. Just some thoughts.
Current Music: Heavens-Patent Pending

10/31/09 06:15 am - See me psychotic see me jumping off the deep end

It's Hal-low-ween again, my favorite time of year. My costume probably won't win me any contests, but I'll have fun being in that skin, wearing that face for awhile. I wanted to be Rorschach, but I don't like wearing masks. Thought about Wolverine, but can't live up to Hugh Jackman. Wanted to be the villian, for once. And I wanted a costume that utilized my now-long hair.

Happy Halloween. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you....stranger...
Current Music: Hed P.E.-Pac Bell

10/21/09 12:22 pm - New York

I never want to leave this place.. the city, it's so cliche, but its so alive and animated and I feel like I'll lose the energy in me once I leave. Like I'm feeding off of it, because it has so much so spare. Not so much in Tampa, there I have to make my own, and it's not something I've been good at, historically speaking.

I'm going to Ellis Island to see where I came from, to see my family's name on the registry and know that piece of my history.

I'm running on five hours of sleep and still feeling great. Despite that I bought a five hour energy. We ate lunch at this great little irish Pub called Murphys Law. A real pub, unlike the ones in Tampa, where they serve food and all the waitstaff are actually irish and very, very nice, and extremely gracious,  even as my aunt and mom try to hit on the waitress for me and complain about the coffee.
 
I write this on a computer in the lobby of the place we're staying, the medical tower where the first ten floors are a hotel and the last 40 are for residents and hospital guests. It's interesting. I got breakfast this morning at the deli downstairs and was waiting for my food surrounded by people in white coats. I felt quite overshadowed and insignificant and unaccomplished. A feeling I think i've gotten to comfortable with and accepting of.

Gonna go enjoy the city while I can. Prolly be back on here later.
Current Music: Aerosmith- What it takes/

8/27/09 09:58 pm - My mind is laughing at me

So my car's about done. I went through a puddle last night and it died, which was very DEJA VU, as I did the same thing with my poor, poor Pontiac.

The second one. Ahem. Anyway.

I had it towed up to Joanna's family's house and her dad checked it out. Said there was water in it, the air filter was soaked, he got the water out and got it started, but it now makes a knocking sound. he said he suspects a rod is bent. he explained it thus:

the water is in the cylinder, and doesn't compress as oil does. the engine continues moving on its previous momentum. the rod of the piston presses on the water, which, unyeiling, bends it.

so my car is somewhat fucked. gonna get it to a USAA approved shopand get it checked out. may need a new car for the third time in two years. i  hope the insurance covers it.
Current Music: Korn- Did my Time

8/24/09 01:54 am - Thse bright lights have always blinded me

I had a dream.



I was working at Greenwise. Sean was working there too. Sean had come back, had popped up, it didn't really explain it in the dream, why he came back, but he was around, and working with me. He worked in Grocery. Headquartered in the back of the store in the dream. and I'd interact with him, and I'd see him, and it was him, Him, Sean. I don't remember if he ever explained his absence in the dream, but I remember just being glad he was back. But then, he didn't show up to work. He was missing.

I called Maureen and she said she hadn't seen hkm in a few days. I remember searching. I remember missing. I remember feeling loss all over again. I asked the grocery department if he'd called in, if they'd seen him. They said, "Who?"

I described him. Tall, a big guy, a goatee, extremely nice and helpful and good and a bit of an ass but in a good way..... They said, "nobody like that works here, i'm sorry, i don't know."   and i searched and i asked more people but nobody had seen him. In the dream, even in my dream, he only came back in my head, I was only one of a few that could see him, that could feel him around, that could interact with him.

and now, stuck in the real world, I have no idea what that means.

7/13/09 10:21 pm - NUFAN

Just listened to these songs and the lyrics are so amazing I thought I'd post them, even though the album is years and years old.

"Chasing Rainbows"

Just heard the news today, let yourself down once again
Trusted your feelings in a place that no one goes
Will you do anything, to satisfy your so-called friend?
There's something you ought to know, before you explode

All I want to do is make sure you stop chasing rainbows
Trusting those around you is an easy thing to do
I'm not saying don't believe in someone that you don't know
Just don't go on thinking that the whole world tells the truth

It's all fucked up, being reserved and quiet
She doesn't understand the message that you send
Don't give it all away somewhere, sometimes there's someone
Who can replace that state of mind, you never give it time (never)

All I want to do is make sure you stop chasing rainbows
Letting everybody crawl inside your heart and mind
Kicking you is easy when you're down
that's where the weak go
To release their anger on someone who will not try
To stand up, and give them a fight



Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?"

Maybe you don't understand it, what keeps them awake at night
What goes through their little minds when you turn off the light?
Always having to say sorry tears are stained on the pillow
Like the light of the moon they can't be one
Can't exist without the son

Let's think clearly for a while
Can he shine without a smile?

Why am I alone with no one to be found?
Looks like they know what's best for me
Why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand?
Guess I'll have to crawl inside and I don't know why
I'm sitting by myself, when the problem isn't mine

Been around the block a few times, been beat up by all his friends
Learing life is like a maze that never seems to end
Like an open book, blank pages left for only him to write
Life is short this chapter takes so long
Can't tell the right from the wrong

It's so hard for you to place
An expression on his face

Why am I alone with no one to be found?
Looks like they know what's best for me
Why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand?
Guess I'll have to crawl inside and I don't know why
I'm sitting by myself, when the problem isn't mine

Why doesn't anybody like me, I don't understand
Why my friends and family left me
At six years old he won't be taught a meaning to this mess
He'll just have to take a guess, and make his own plan
And we'll never see the child that was forced to be a man
Current Music: No Use for a Name- More Betterness!

7/2/09 02:52 pm - LTJ Mashup

This is a lyrical mashup I made of some Less Than Jake songs. I guess it doesn't make total sense, but I think it's kinda cool.



I have this feeling inside that I wouldn't like me, if I met me.
I feel asleep while watching TV, while the living dead, they walk my streets this evening
I've always known a ghost like me could disappear in a moment.
This sitting target's been stuck on the couch again, pretending I'm stable when the panic sets in. 

It's gonna kill me the rest of my life. Somehow it feels so familiar, but i swear it's the last time. And we'll talk about leaving town, just taking the westbound signs, and I'll apologize as we talk our way through city lights

If you need somewhere to go, I'll be listening when you call
If you need someone to believe in you, I'll let you know I will
 
It's gonna kill me the rest of my life, somehow it feels so familiar but I swear it's the last time. My good intentions gone so wrong, my still life with vital signs, I'll try through haze and half shut eyes to count up all the reasons why.

6/28/09 03:01 pm - Kitty's so excited!


I went into work at 7am today. I was scheduled for 4-11, closing Front Office, but I switched with this girl Emily who said she forgot to ask off for a wedding and wouldn't be back in town til this afternoon. I got in at 7. The store opens at 8. In that hour, the Back Office opener has to make sure the safe is balanced, make tills for the cashier and office staff, and then balance again before going down. I wasn't able to get into the back office until 7:15 because I don't have eyes and couldn't find the manager on duty. I balanced, rushed through till creation and the computer stuff, and was about to start balancing again when the Armored Car guy came. I couldn't get the drop safe opened. He tried, and he couldn't either. There were no other customer service staff there, and I freaked out a bit. Dude said he would just come back tomorrow, but I tried it again and got it open so I could give him the deposit.  Ended up going down to the store at 8 without balancing again, but when  I was able to at 10, when someone else came in, and I was perfect! Then, when I went up after my shift to balance again and count down my till, it was perfect again! It's the first time I've not had a horrid mess to figure out.


Last weekend I went up to Wesley Chapel with Joanna and her family to see her dad for Father's day. We went to this place called the Texas Roadhouse, which has this awesome little rolls and Cinnamon butter! While waiting for a table we went to the shops at Wiregrass, which are really nice. We only had a little time, but I went into the Barnes and Noble (which was two stories, huge, and beautiful) and got two books. Red Prophet, by Orson Scott Card, and Pride and Predjudice and Zombies, which I've read almost all the way through already. IT's pretty awesome. I love reading about Elizabeth kicking ass.

My mom is in the hospital at Moffit right now.. She went in for a routine procedure but ended up having major surgery. I took her up on Friday and spent 6 hours sitting around the surgery waiting room, alternately trying to sleep and listen to the coverage about Michael Jackson. Doctor came in out after awhie and said they preliminarily found no cancer, but said other tests could take a week. She gets out tomorrow, hopefully, and looks pretty good.

I'm glad I don't work this tomorrow night. Maybe I'll be able to sleep in tomorrow.

Current Music: That 70's Show

6/16/09 02:26 pm - Now

It's raining. That piddling, unsure, drop-at-a-time kind of rain that only makes the asphalt stink and the day swelter. I pull into my driveway on a busy road, get out of the car, and open the front door to find the Pug already whimpering to be let out of his crate. I do this, and he runs into my hands, his folds and wrinkles pressiing themselves between my fingers I take holds of the flaps that on a hound dog would be jowls and give him a little shake and scratch under his chin. Then I let him outside, so he can pee and I can feed him before the clouds make a descision to continue their hand-wringing or not. I write this to waste some time, and because I like the idea of personifying weather. Time to let the dog in, and feed him, and wash my hands, again.
Current Music: The Ataris-If you really wanna hear about it

6/7/09 02:48 pm - I can't imagine all the places that you go

Joanna and I went by Cacciatore plaza the other night to get out of the house, and I drive through my old neighborhood. The plaza looks so much different than I remember. Of course, I was eight, but still. I remember walking across a wide parking lot, from Cacciatore Bros to the comic book store that was across the way. It's no longer one big parking lot, but a street bisects it.  It took awhile to find my old neighboord from there, but in the silence of the houses off of woodbridge, I found it. It's a street that only seems to exist for one block, Meadowcroft.. between what I think were Sunnydale and Sunnyvale. The street signs were faded, and the street had a dark, hidden, peaceful quality about it. I coudn't pick out my old house, but it has been almost 20 years.

I've lived in Florida for almost 20 years. Moved here shortly after I turned eight. We moved into the house on Meadowcroft because there wasn't any base housing available at the time, so we moved off base for the summer. I was almost enrolled at Incarnation Catholic School, on Hillsborough. Even met with the principal, I believe. The uniform there included ties. Ugh. So glad I ended up going to St Patricks. 

 but if we hadn't gotten base housing before I started school....
Current Music: Crash Romeo- Life Camp
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